The bruthas

He was walking down South Main street on his way to another one of his missions. Several people were out walking up and down the street going to and fro visiting random shops along the street, a typical Saturday morning. Up the street a bit walking towards him was a small group of girls, one in particular spotted him almost immediately and began acting real nervous. His spidey senses were not picking up on anything unusual so he was safe for the moment. He had seen this girl around before. One time she bolstered up the nerve to say hello to him, but the nerves produced some unusual sound that did not sound quite like a hello to him. Confused by what happened and not wanting to have an uncomfortable conversation about it, he just gave her a quick wink and walked off.

As the group proceeded closer to him and watching her actions he began to understand what was happening. He smiled at her, she blushed. He winked at her and she swooned. He was about to pass the group and she nearly fell over from the swagger that he displayed.

“Are you okay?” Asked One of the other girls oblivious to the pheromone bath that she just took.

“Have you been drinking already?”

“ Brenda?”

“Ah, her name is Brenda,” he thinks to himself.

He approaches an intersection and rounds the corner where he sees a little blue car parked. The same one that he had seen Brenda driving around in. He walks up to her car and reaches into his everyday-go-bag and pulls out a little note pad and a little pencil, the kind of pencil that they give you at a putt-putt course so that you can keep track of your golf score. He wrote down his name and phone number and asked her to give him a call sometime. In case she didn't know who left the note he wrote down a memorable moment to jog her memory. It read: I winked at you once and…. I think you farted. Yep, she’ll remember that one.

After several phone conversations and a movie or two one of Brenda’s friends called her up to get the scoop.

“So, tell me what is happening. Why haven't I seen you in a while? What is his name? What does he do?”

“I think he is some type of cop or spy possibly. He gets orders from someone far away and he has to go do things… missions I think.”

“Wow! Sounds dangerous! And mysterious. Good for you girl!” “Now come on, what is his name?”

“Oh, His name is Alonzo,” she fawns.

“Oh, you go girl. I didn't know dat you were into the bruthas!”

Thriller

Alonzo received another email stating that he should deoxify his phone as soon as possible, which is a process for neutralizing the capacitors in a phone that could be hijacked and used by the government for advanced spying tactics. Or, so he was told.

He was instructed to first, wrap his phone in aluminum foil to prevent the government from detecting that he was about to deoxify. Second, he was to place his phone in a microwave for 30 seconds to perform deoxification.

He found a piece of foil from his hat collection and wrapped up the flip phone. Now, I knew that Alonzo began to put more trust in AFF’s instructions. What I did not plan for was that Alonzo was about to use the microwave at the store down the street instead of his own. He stepped out the door. It was night time. He began to hum his favorite Michael Jackson tune, Thriller. Then soon found himself at the Quick Stop. He walked in and found the section where he could prepare himself a hot dog or hamburger. He opened the microwave that set in front of him and placed his wrapped flip phone inside and hit the 30 second button. Just as soon as he hit the button he became aware of a suspicious acting individual that just walked in the store. No one else seemed to notice but he did immediately. He noticed the man walk to the front register and then… POP! Went the microwave in front of him. Alonzo reached up and popped the door open to prevent anymore loud noises. Except...It seemed to startle our suspicious guy. He recoiled at the sound and instinctively pulled the gun from inside his jacket. Realizing that he is now committed to his crime after brandishing his weapon he unloads a round into the ceiling and said, “Everybody freeze!”

“Ah,” Alonzo thinks to himself. “It’s the ole, Everybody Freeze scenario.”

The suspicious man now turned robber pointed his gun at the man behind the counter and said, “Give me all the money!”

While waiting for his money and still a little startled from the POP noise that the robber heard he turned his attention toward Alonzo. He pointed his gun in Alonzo’s direction and demanded, “Now what was it exactly that you were doing that made all that noise?”

Alonzo opened the microwave door wide enough for him to look in and said, “i was deoxifying my phone.”

The robber peered in and began to say, “Do what?” But, he didn’t make it that far. His face made the shape that one makes when saying the word ‘Do,’ but the shape of his face suddenly changed after that because Alonzo’s knuckles connected to the magic spot on the man’s jaw that when one is punched there at the correct velocity the victim’s head will jerk just right knocking him out cold. And yes, his victim was knocked out cold.

There were a few customers in the store when the gun went off and they took the opportunity to scurry to the front door. Two men were tending the store, both Korean. One that was sweeping the store brought his broom over and began beating the already unconscious man with the stick end of the broom and the man behind the counter retrieved a baseball bat and joined in on his partners activities.

With all the panic going on in the store, Alonzo calmly grabbed a wad of paper towels and retrieved his phone from the microwave and without notice made his way out the door and back to his house contemplating what happened to his phone and what could have went wrong with the deoxification. However, his trouble with his phone just took a back seat. Once he entered his house he could see on his monitor that he just received another email.

El Chupacabra

It was about 10:45 Saturday night. Alonzo was in his pickup driving west along Church Street looking for his target. He saw the address on the side of the building confirming that he had found the site that he was tipped off about. He spun his truck around and headed toward a parking spot on the side of the street about a half a block back. He killed the engine rolled down his window and scoped out the area.

A block to the east was Border Grocery. No lights were on in the store indicating that it was locked up for the night. Two blocks west was a local nightclub, which was a local gathering place with live music on weekends.There were sounds of a band belting out a hip-hop tune. A few people were hanging around outside the door and others were trying to jockey around the door tenders trying to get inside. No one was walking on his section of the street. Alonzo had a clear passage once he made the decision for go time.

His Spidey-senses were picking up on something unusual but to back out was not an option. He had a narrow window of opportunity and he could not let this chance escape him. So he had to rely on his training to stay focused. His training consisted of a library of Jackie Chan movies with a smattering of Sammo Hung and Dave Lizewski flicks. His training consisted of self inflicted discipline. His sensei was himself. His mental focus was sheer will and a self-determined mind.

A visual scan of the area indicated that there was no imminent danger, he slid out of the truck and walked to the bed of the pickup and pulled back a heavy blue tarp that covered his weapon of choice. A bokken. The bokken has a wooden blade and is in the shape of a samurai sword. The bokken is more of a training weapon but can still inflict serious damage to an opponent. He didn’t want to kill anyone so an actual samurai sword was out of the question’ for this assignment anyway. The bokken, however, is a good alternative if self defence was necessary. It can cause, at least, a few bruises but it can also fracture bones and cause internal damage. For the average user the bokken wouldn’t be much defense against an opponent that had a firearm so, Alonzo’s Matrix-like abilities would have to kick in if ever called upon.

He slid on a pair of thin gloves slung his bokken over his shoulder and said a quick prayer before heading out. His target was a building that sat on the corner. He looked up at the street sign that told him where he was. It read Church St in one direction and State St in the other.

“No separation there,” he said to no one that was listening.

Alonzo crossed over Church Street and made his way part way down State street. On State street there was an alley that led to the rear of the municipal building where he was instructed that he would have clear passage

The building was a rarely used almost forgotten two story garment factory turned municipal building that sat several blocks away from the center of town. The building was bought by the city several years back when the old garment factory closed shop and was used for civic events and more recently as storage of city property.

Part way down the alley he found a new addition to the municipal property, a gate. The new fence with a gate that obstructed his way stood about eight feet high. Chain linked and no razor wire topping it. So, no real barrier to keep Alonzo out. It still would have been nice if A-F-F would have given him the heads up. A leap and flip ala-Jackie Chan and Alonzo was over the fence in a second.

Alonzo stood behind the building where there were two entry ways into the back of the building. One at ground level and a second one at the top of a metal stairway. On either side of the building was a drive that led to the front of the building where he could find other ways into the building if he wanted. The door atop the metal stairs, however, was his way in. He knew the door would be unlocked, which he was thankful for, having to break in would be too noisy. He just needed inside to find the package and get out in the quickest time possible.

Alonzo climbed the steps twisted the lever on the door and it whooshed open and he stepped in. He looked around for a moment to get the lay of the open room that he just walked into and then he heard clanking outside the door that he just came in. Someone was climbing the steps. In fact several people were climbing the steps. He hid next to a standing piece of equipment that looked like some kind of oven or clothes dryer just moments before the door whooshed open. Without seeing he could tell that there were two men and a woman.

“I really don’t know what happen to your stuff,” the female said.

“What you need to know is that I need da stuff or da money,” one of the guys said. And I need it now. How we gone take care of dat?”

Alonzo’s original plan was to get in and out of the building without getting seen but by the way this was playing out there was no way that he was getting out anytime soon. He had to do something...but what? He pulled down his hat that turns into a masks to cover his face with eye and mouth cutouts and peered around the corner to see what was happening. Directly beside him and not quite between he and the three others was a counter top with several items scattered about. Among those items was an unattended flip phone that decided to chime while Alonzo’s head was outside of its hiding place. Not only did chime catch the attention of the three arguing but Alonzo’s head that was floating near by caught it as well. At the moment that the two men made eye contact with their unsuspecting visitor they could see his head jerk in displeasure as he muttered something to himself. Alonzo sprang out of his hiding space stopping short of making contact with the two men. He thought giving these two thugs a chance to react to his encroachment was a fair thing to do seeing that this was going to be way too easy. Child’s play easy. Like a big league baseball player playing wiffle ball against a bunch of 10 year olds easy.

“Who the h-” the first man decided to swing and ended up with a broken forearm. Alonzo’s moves were lightning fast that the entire exchange from “what the h-”  to the last blow lasted two seconds flat. His next swing was a downward slash on the second man’s collarbone, he was trying to reach for something in his jacket. The third hit was the butt of the bokken on the bridge of the first guy’s nose breaking it and knocking him flat on his back. Alonzo brought the bokken to the ready for a fourth hit but none was needed.

He pointed the bokken at the ladies face in a non-threatening way.

“What is your name?”

“Golden” she said.

“You may leave.”

“I may leave? What do you mean? You might as well kill me. Do you know how much trouble I am in now? Who are you?”

Alonzo put his hands on his hips in a superhero stance with his chest puffed out and said “I am El Chupacabra!” and with a slight pelvic thrust he added, “extra spicy!”

Now, Alonzo probably did not know what a chupacabra was. He heard me order that at Garcia’s Mexican restaurant one time and it got a lot of laughs. It’s not really a food item, rather a mythical creature.

On his way out the door he swooped up the flip phone that made the chime that snitched him out.

I am a jerk.

Alonzo called me to come over and look at his computer. As usual, he suspected that he was hacked and his internet activity was being tracked. He never really was hacked he just always had was the typical adware/spyware type stuff.

“You know it’s late, right-”

“I know, I’m sorry…. I got ice cream”

“and I got work tomorrow.”

“I’m sorry,” he said again.

No sense in pretending that I was mad. We both knew that he used the magic word.

“So, you got ice cream, huh?

“Butter Pecan.”

“Be right there.”

“I know.”

For my own personal entertainment I decided to feed into his suspicions about his computer being hacked. Within seconds I found what the problem was. I fixed it and then closed out the window real fast not letting on that I fixed it already.

Now for the fun. I hit a combination of random keys. “Hey did you see that?” I said.

“No. What happened?”

“That is not supposed to do that.” Of course, nothing happened but, I did put the idea in his head that my trained eye picked up on something.

“The last time I saw that happen….” I picked up the keyboard and held it to my ear pretending that I am listening very carefully for something. I suddenly widened my eyes as if I heard something.

“No, this can’t be.” I whispered.

“What is it?” Alonzo asked.

“Give me a minute, I’ll show you.” I said.

I rooted around in my tool bag and grabbed a small screw driver and palmed a tiny computer fragment that sat discarded at the bottom.

Using the small screw driver, I began to one by one plucking keys out of the keyboard. After I pulled the last key I began looking intently to the inside of the keyboard.

“There it is.” I said. then stuck my screw driver inside acting like I was dislodging something.

“What do you see?” Alonzo asked.

I ignored the question for effect and tipped the keyboard upside down over the desk and shook the keyboard and let the object drop that I had hidden in my hand. The object that I had was a capacitor slightly smaller than the size of a tick-tack that had broken off an old modem that sat in my tool bag.

“What is it?” he asked again.

“That my friend, is a keylogger. Someone is capturing every keystroke as you type.” I said.

“So, if I am chatting to somebody, they are seeing everything I say?” he asked.

“Or capturing username and passwords, credit card numbers and so, on.” I said.

He muttered an expletive. I could see him taking mental inventory of all his recent internet traffic.

“I’ve gotta call the police and report this.” I said.

“What are you talking about? he asked. “They are the one’s that put it there.”

“It’s Federal law” I lied.

“You’re not bringing them into this. You know what they did last time!“

“As a PC Technician I am required by law to report it when I find a device like this.”

All in one swoop he reached and grabbed the tick-tack off the desk and shoved it into his mouth and swallowed and told me that I now had nothing to report.

I could not contain myself. I laughed and had to let him know that I was just pranking him. He snickered and started making the throw up face thumped me on the arm and called me a jerk. We both laughed until we couldn’t breathe.

I was surprised he swallowed the capacitor. It would have been a neat prank to let play out if he didn’t bring it to such an abrupt end.

I keep promising myself that I am going to quit pranking people or at least let up on them a little sooner than I do. But, I have no self control.

I mull this concept over further as I plunk the keys to his keyboard back in alphabetical order rather than the q-w-e-r-t-y order that they belong. I turn his computer off and tell him that it must remain off for 30 minutes to allow for all the services to reset and clear the auto-logging mechanism. Another lie but it is a trick that PC Tech’s use to get out the door and up the road before the client finds other things on the PC to annoy them with.

Sure enough 35 minutes later my cell starts playing the theme to the X-Files. It’s the ringtone that my phone auto-selected for Alonzo, that was the story that I told him anyway. I let the call go to Voicemail.

“Something is still not right with my computer, man,” the message said. “It’s not taking my password. Something doesn’t feel right about it going in. I think the virus came back. And don’t tell me it’s because of all the gay porn again because that doesn't happen here. Anyway, come on back tonight, I don’t care what time it is. I am expecting an email.”

“I am a jerk.”